


Zambezi

by marginaliana



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Gen, M/M, at some point we are going to have to migrate the fandom tag, but not yet I guess, unless we collectively want to agree on the W Chump tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-04 23:37:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6680542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marginaliana/pseuds/marginaliana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>#TheSTILLVeryMuchUntitledClarksonHammondMayAmazonPrimeShowComingAutumn2016</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zambezi

**Author's Note:**

> This will make more sense if you've seen the newest video.

"I've just had another idea," Jeremy said abruptly, sitting up and pushing away his laptop. The Ray Bans website flashed forlornly across the screen, momentarily forgotten. "We should go for a word that people already use. That way whenever they say it, they'll be talking about us! It'll be brilliant exposure."

James frowned and took the opportunity to sip his now-cold tea. He wasn't entirely sure this would work the way Jeremy was envisioning. Few things did.

"What, like 'the'?" said Richard.

"No, no, not 'the,' Hammond," said Jeremy impatiently. "You complete prannet. Something more exciting than that."

"Ace biscuits!" James said, just to see the look on Jeremy's face. It had occurred to him recently that he did this rather a lot.

" _No_ ," said both of his co-presenters, in unison. James stifled a laugh.

"Something thrilling," Jeremy said. "Something that reminds you of a great car experience."

Richard hummed, thinking. "Revs?" he suggested.

"Powerrrr," said Jeremy. 

"Turning radius— no,″ Richard said, and then, in quick succession, ″Engine growl? Powerslide? Cylinders?″

″Speeeeeeeeeeeed,″ Jeremy said. 

"Blowjob," said James. The other two turned sharply to look at him, and he shrugged. "You _said_ something that made you remember a great car experience, and that was certainly a memorable one." He paused, considering. "Well, two, I suppose. But the one while I was actually driving was better."

"You—" Jeremy spluttered. 

"How did you not run off the road and _die_?" Richard asked. "Or was it, you know, a particularly anemic blowjob? One of those ones where you just feel like, might as well not have bothered."

"Hammond!" said Jeremy. 

"What? I'm just curious."

"It was rather good, actually," James said. "But we were out in the middle of nowhere in—"

"We are _not_ calling this show 'Blowjob,' for god's sake," interrupted Jeremy. 

"Clothed frottage?" James suggested. "Even you must've had plenty of that in cars."

"What do you mean, even me?" Jeremy said, and then, before James could do more than open his mouth, "No. We're not calling it 'Clothed frottage,' either."

"Reverse Cowgirl?" James said brightly. "Because I had that in a nut-brown 1978 Austin Allegro and it almost made me have fond memories of that car."

"Reverse— _no_ , James. We are not naming this show after any kind of sex that you've had, no matter how spectacular or vehicle-related it may have been."

By now Richard was sniggering openly. Jeremy shot him a repressive look. 

"I suppose it would be likely to give people confused ideas about our genre," James conceded. 

"Thank you," Jeremy said. His cheeks had gone pink. James supposed this was why he had kept winding Jeremy up all these years, why he kept winding him up now – because he was so very pleasant to watch when he was flustered.

″So,″ Richard said. ″To sum up. We're looking for something that's car-related, that's exciting, and that couldn't possibly in any way be misinterpreted...″

″How about Drag Race?″ James said. Jeremy put his face in his hands.


End file.
